Of course that does not apply to everything in life. But this is particularly true with her expectations regarding her life partner.
As I always wondered why it is so, I finally came up with a glimpse of explanation that I would love to share with you:
This comes from two inherited collective believes:
1. A woman is asked; she does not ask.
2. Saying precisely what she wants is the last step in her way of communicating; and if you are older than twenty please know she has lost total respect for you by the time she has said explicitly what she wants.
The way women communicate is subtle even if there are much more conversations in their interactions than there are for the opposite gender.
We can’t help but think that there is something vulgar and despising in being precise and detailed in a request. We wrongly believe that elaborate human beings should understand without words, simply by caring.
Isn’t that what we are supposed to do for the child we are bearing during pregnancy and the few months after birth? For a little over a year, we are guessing. And during this time, we are supposed to guess right. In addition, what we need to get right without words or explanations, are critical questions: does the child move normally? Is he ok? Baby is crying, what does it mean? These are not light questions and yet, we manage to answer them… more or less!
So when you see the garbage full, you really wonder who is the dummy that does not see that the garbage bag needs to be changed? This is no rocket science, is it? Should we place a beeping sign on it saying “garbage full, new bag needed”?
Whether consciously or not this is what we all feel.
But the truth is elsewhere.
The truth lies in our differences. Men are not programmed to bear a child for nine months and respond to his basic needs right after birth. So guessing is not where they can excel. Of course in the seduction process, all their energy is dedicated to get you, so you get the assumption that they can guess you. The reality though is that they don’t. They apply the same recipe learnt from generations and generations, where they talk nicely, they compliment, and they spend time, as much as they can, they are careful in their physical approach. This chemistry has never failed, but it is temporary. Very quickly they turn back to what they truly are.
Just like we do.
In all fairness, we are never as funny, as easygoing, as forgiving, as sexy, as charming as we are in the seduction process.
So what to do with that? Well we want things to be done properly, and more importantly we want to feel special in our relationship. This is the goal that we should aim to reach with pragmatism. By the way, as men excel in pragmatism, it is not a bad idea to ask them advices on that part.
Let’s pause one second: Ladies, have you ever wished that you could read or listen to somebody telling you exactly what to do with your baby? For those of you, who have forgotten, please close your eyes and tune into that moment when you were holding your newborn baby who is crying to make you deaf, and you had no clue what to do with him or her. If you are not in total denial, you felt hopelessness then. At least I felt that way; and I was reading everything you can think of, to be even more confused, because very few people agree. So, at the end, I relied on my intuition that grew more and more reliable. But it never came naturally for me.
So if women are programmed for the guessing, they are not expert at it, and it takes time and practice to become a good guesser.
Why on earth, do we expect that from men? We have to go through that process because it’s the way things are meant to be; they don’t for the same reason. Guessing eventually becomes a huge asset so they would be better off learning it. Similarly, we would gain a lot in learning from men’s straightforwardness and pragmatism.
So please bear in mind that, as much as your male partner loves you, he is not you: he does not think like you and he does not see things like you do.
Therefore, the more you clue him in about what truly matters to you, the better for your relationship.
Men are distracted listeners, especially with women, so take the time to write down in a concise manner what you want, the expected outcome is more likely to show up “spontaneously”.
Also be aware! A burst of emotional talk shuts down their ability to process: they turn into emergency mode, and they will do what it takes to rapidly control the surge of emotions. Even if he has calmed you down one-way or the other, you will still have missed your point: he won’t do again what he thinks he did that triggered the fact that you are upset.
But first, most likely he is wrong because he has not listened to what you were screaming at him, second he still does not know what he should do.
Even if he adores you, he will not brainstorm over what would be the right moves with you. He has no time nor energy for that because it is not his way to show you his love for you.
If you want to limit your frustrations with your partner you must be explicit and in writing preferably, so he can return to it if need be.
One of the things I ask women to do in my revolutionary website, is to fill a wish list of the things they would love their partner to do or get for them.
I know it is not be an easy task to convince women to do this. However, I am positive about the fact that this is the only way to make sure that communication is crystal clear between both partners. Misunderstandings are the primary challenges for a long-term relationship.
We must do what it takes to learn to communicate in order to be heard and understood.
Write down Ladies. You might feel ridiculous at first, he might feel surprised, but he will appreciate and ultimately you will benefit.