However, efficiency is the way to go nowadays in every field of your life. Not so long ago pace of life was much, much slower, and we could afford to waste time.
Now we can’t.
Days are still 24 hours, our physical need for sleep remains as it is, the number of things to be done in a day has never been that high.
So we think from a goal perspective: achieving depends on efficiency.
The goal here, is the mutual satisfaction of two persons in a relationship, so they can both reach another level of love, trust and respect.
If you want somebody else to feel your love, you had better addressed the way you show your love.
One of the biggest misleading assumptions today, is that love is innate. Religions, spiritual guides keep repeating that we are all creature of love; therefore we should know how to love.
I disagree with that: we may be creature of love in theory, but in reality we need very good lessons before we are able to love in the deep sense of the word.
Just observe 2 year olds together in a playground to see how human kindness and love show in their interactions. I can hear already the objection that a 2 year old is not mature yet. This is true that a 2-year does not have a sense of self beyond his ego. But going beyond the ego is definitely not a natural thing to do; the adult world is filled with magnificent egos walking around. Ego is linked to survival, not to respect, not to love. Love belongs to a higher stage of being. Love needs to be felt, learned and taught.
But let’s come back to our couple situation.
Couples wrongly assume that the initial magic in their relationship will last forever. And they wrongly think that this is love. So once passion has waned, it is hard to understand what we are doing wrong because we don’t feel that we are any different. And in fact, we are not much different. What has changed is that what was cute, funny, and romantic, with the blind eyes of passion, is now childish, exasperating, and pathetic.
The perception you can see in your partner’s eyes is not as forgiving anymore, triggering your own insecurity. Your desire for love becomes so intense to make you feel good about yourself again, that you will do anything you can in order to show how much you care…But you will do it your way.
Miscommunication, frustration felt in long-term relationships very often stem from the fact that we all love the way we would love to be loved. And that specific way is a combination of believes inherited or acquired, and our own sense of pleasure.
Our desire for pleasure is very intense, and it motivates our initiatives towards others with the unconscious hope that we will get the expected pleasure in return.
If you are lucky enough to be with someone who shares with you his or her sense of pleasure, your task is easier. But you still have to deal with your respective believes.
So efficiently loving another human being starts with knowing what makes that person feel loved.
I highly recommend that you read Gary Chapman’s book on the 5 love languages. This book should be given at a time of pre marriage counseling. It should be read at the beginning of any relationship meant to last. You can also have it for free as audio book.
If it does not deal with your believes, it helps you identify your partner’s love language. You then have a path to follow if you want to show your love so it is felt.
If there is only one book on relationship for you to read, this is the one.